R*n #131:
Venue: Poplar Creek Forest Preserve, Elgin, IL
Hares: Yer-Anus and Dick 'N Cider

Mother’s Day, Bloody Mother’s Day

May 11, 2003

(Manhole, Dragon Queen, PP, Red Snapper, Sal Fortunato, Rhotan, Learning to Blow)

Let’s see, Dick n’ Cider and Yer Anus, the woods, Mother’s Day..., and lest we forget, the day after Waukesha Red Dress- just the right combination to celebrate Mother’s Day 2003. I awoke somewhat late, having attended the Waukesha Red Dress, had a quick brain scan to make sure I had not acquired any additional little grey cells, and loaded the quarter barrel of Berghof (another Rhotan/Soar Balls, ill-conceived adventure in trail run recruiting...yes, it did end up with Rhotan and Soar Balls sitting all alone with an untapped quarter barrel in the middle of a woods, but that story is for another time) and pointed the Rhotanmobile in the direction of Elgin/Hoffman/somewhere off rt 59/NW suburbs.... luckily I had at least 15 minutes to make it.

Good thing, ‘cause at about an hour past the start, Manhole was urgently patched through to my mobile communication network to politely inquire as to where the hell was I, since I had the quarter barrel of beer. Had I known what madness was about to ensue, I would let the voicemail grab the call. Foolishly, I answered that I was about 15 minutes away and they, equally as foolish, agreed to wait for me and hash instead of retiring to some warm, dry public house. Did I mention it was still raining and had been raining fort the past 3 days and the temperature was a balmy (hey, where has Balmy Today been lately?) 45 degrees.

When I finally , yet so gracefully, made my entrance, the pack of 5 including Manhole, Learning to Blow (where the heck ya been????), Dragon Queen (tried to be a non-running bastard by forgetting his shoes), Sal Fortunado (who turned DQ into a running bastard by having an extra pair of shoes) and Public Pisser, all huddled in the Forest Preserve shelter, avoiding the sideways rain and intermittent snow showers...just kidding, it was at least 40F. The hares had disappeared 10 minutes earlier so using the standard 2CH3 conversion table, the 20 minutes had elapsed (what the hey, it was Dick n Cider and Yer Anus, anyway. I spent the first 25 or 30 seconds avoiding the quagmire of gooey, oozing mud that was the trail and finally gave up and plunged in up to my knees. PP, was promptly off on a wrong split, but do you think it bothered him? No, apparently he knew the hares and was soon yelling ON, ON as he ran backwards onto trail.

The trail wound around as a typical Yer Anus trail might, but the pack was a bit confused, as off a split, we ran into arrows pointing us back in the direction of the check- hah!………even the hares were confused by their own trail. After hearty calls of "kill the hares" and "let’s place Yer Anus in one of his famous GEOCACHES" (sometimes on a Yer Anus trail, we look for these Geocaches only located by GPS, ask him sometime) As we wound throughout the woods, another YerAnus/DicknCider trail, which caused Learning to Blow to disappear into the swamps. Rhotan decided to take charge and promptly followed the wrong side of a split.

Dragon Queen found the right trail that led over a dam (or damn) that required the pack to balance on a 4inch beam across the cascading waters (apparently, days before, the hares reported there was at least 4 feet between the beam and the water) , today the water was lapping at the beam (and the hounds heels ) After hearing ON-On, I saw the rest of the pack making there way along the dam- what looked to be a direct line to the head (Who said," Head"?)of the pack instead lead into the deepest waters and after reaching waist height, the ol’ Rhotan backtracked to the real trail and met Manhole and attempted to catch the pack. Through the woods a bit, another GEOCACHE- how come no beer in the cache???????, a circle jerk or two and finally the BEER STOP.

Some really good beer was popped (Heineken and such), as the hounds contemplated killing the hares, but as we didn’t know where the hell we were and Dragon Queen couldn’t be persuaded to leave the beer, we were content to hang around and watch Dick n Cider succumb to hypothermia. The best part of leaving the beer stop, was that we could finally stop shivering and get back to getting muddy again. Some woods and shiggy, but the absolute best was Rhotan following closely behind Dragon Queen as Dragon Queen hit a muddy patch of trail- as he attempted to stay upright, leaning, overcompensating, leaning again, slowly losing his center of balance, and finally, doing a triple-lindy, head-over-heels into the mud, flat on his back- Wipeout of the Year!!!!

Finally, A Beer Near mark, whew! ON, IN, was extremely cool, just not temperature-wise, but the end was an abandoned house (apparently acquired by the Forest Preserve) complete with bullet holes, graffiti, God only knows how many used condoms……… PP found a pile of magazines, the kids are so lame in Hoffman Estates, the magazines were Runner’s World, not Playboy. Well, perhaps the abandoned house was last used by hashers. We were at least out of the rain and cold. Everybody circled up and down-downs were awarded. Then we went around the circle everyone recounting past dating with Yer Anus. I had to dash, as Mother Rhotan was expecting me, so I caught a ride back to the Hash Start with Dick n Cider, whoa………..there was Learning to Blow, previously last heard from on the third split of the trail and Red Snapper, a late arrival, lucky her. I don’t know what silly-assed things happened after I left, but I was heart-broken to have missed Dick n Cider changing her clothes in the parking lot. Mother Rhotan would have been proud.

Faithfully submitted, your humble chronicler,

RHOTAN