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February 14, 1999

R*n #15:
Buckhorn Inn, Milwaukee
Hares: Soar Balls and Last Hole

Valentine's Day Bi-hash with Waukesha

Knowing that team-ups between Waukesha and Chicago hashers provides for a grand time, I was excited to participate in the first Valentine's Day Bi-Hash between the two, and this hash was no disappointment.  I arrived at the Buckhorn right around 1:00 to see it full of hashers already.  EZ Sunday, Spik N Span, Full Term, Yer Anus (who at the time wanted to be called "Tinky Winky" in homage to his favorite Telletubby) Cuntinental Breakfast, Licksem Wet , and unnamed Waukeshite Julie, Panty Ho' etc. etc. were all dressed to the nines (or at the very least 7.5's).  Cornballer and Monsterbaiter where there, too.  After one more Killian's Red On On was called and it was out the door for the chalk talk.

The hares, utilizing somewhat non-standard marks, couldn't quite agree on what a false mark looked like.  Either it was a big flour "F" or it was three flour dots in a row.  On the other hand, it may have been two flour dots in a row or possibly four flour dots in a square.  No, that was a check they informed us.  They finally agreed that if we saw anything other than a check or a singular flour mark, we should turn around (we probably should have turned around right then and there, if it wasn't for the tease of an Un-Fucking-Believable beer check).  They also told us that the splurged on the trail and utilized almost a whole bag of flour.  Introductions went around the circle and we were off in the direction the hares were pointing.

After a block or so, no flour was found and people began wandering around, finally, a mobile lab was called in, white powder on the other side of the street was anal-yzed and ON ON was called.  The pack maneuvered through a thickly mudded field, down the street, through a construction yard and into a thicket-laden wood.  This is where things got interesting.  Busting through the thicket to a split arrow, the pack followed one set of marks to a flour "F," then down the other path to another flour "F" looking character.  At this point, many hounds started milling about like confused wildebeests, while Speckle Bird and Full Term held a conference at the second (and alleged) F and decided that it was an F.  Eventually, trail was found somewhere off in the distance and everyone resumed the chase.

The pack (now split into several sub-packs) made way out of the woods, across the street and into another field, where the hares once again did not bother with such trite exercises such as laying visible marks across the field.  Fortunately, Last Whole was there to lead us towards the beer stop.  The big flour "BN" was found "Beer near!" was called, and the pack converged on the beer stop from several different directions.  Everyone went in (except for poor Bob the Dog, who was unceremoniously thrown into Cuntinental's car) for beer, pretzels and the final laps of the Daytona 500.

After the r*ce (the guy with the car won), the pack headed out and up the street, where Soar Balls informed EZ Sunday and I that this is that past where the ``hares got lazy."  Hoo boy.  It actually wasn't that bad as the trail led up the highway, into a run down shack, into a run down barn next to the run down shack, across another field and up a large hill constructed out of rocks and sand.  Most of the pack opted to avoid the hill and instead ran around it, picking up trail on the other side.  What nobody noticed was that on top of the hill, there was a check (I am not going to name names, but someone was sitting on it.  Oh, ask me all you want, I will not divulge the identity of the perpetrator.  I won't even give you a hint, like say, his name rhymes with "Schmeckle Word."  My lips are sealed).  So the pack ran around and around the field looking for true trail much to the amusement to the hares and whoever else was watching from the hilltop, and people were everywhere.  Yer (Tinky Winky) Anus was the furthest, FRBing all the way to the other side of the field near another run down farm, Cornballer was almost as far in a different direction looking for marks with Bob along another construction site, and just about everyone else was somewhere in the field milling around like confused North American Bison.

True trail was found on the other side of the highway and Speckle Bird leaped down from his perch on the hill, tumbling the last third of the way.  Finally getting his one stupid deed of the day out of the way, Speckie was happy to continue the hash without fear of doing anything worse.  If only the rest of could be so confident in this.  Trail led down a side street, through a field, through another field and up a hill across a street, through another field where we met an innocent bystander walking his dog.  On home to a picnic grove for down downs led by Monsterbaker.  Downs downs were given to the hares for that thing that they did, to Cuntinental Breakfast for having her groove thing on, EZ Sunday for being all that, and others because they could do it to it.  On on on back to the Buckhorn for more beer, cake, pretzels, and haberdashery.  Waukesha has some nice multicolored ON ON stickers.  These  are real nice because, say you just bought a nice sports utility vehicle and you wanted to put a sticker on it.  Now you could buy the standard black and white stickers, or you could get a red one that will match your new vehicle.  Nice, huh?  Second City also has some nice haberdashery, a fine example would be the new green towels.  They're really nice because, say you over imbibed and puked all over yourself.  You now have something to wipe off the vomit, and at a real bargain as well.

Soon after we returned to the bar, Pole Pounder made his entrance and was greeted with a round of his theme song.  The pack later sang Allouette to a local, interupting it only briefly to say the "head, who said head?" chant.  A very nice hash and a wonderful way for those of us without loved ones to enjoy Valentine's Day.  I meant "loved ones WITH US," yeah that'll work.  Eventually, hashers started wandering out like confused marmosets.

 - Specklebird's rating:  Two birds, medium.

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